Etiquette isn't about rigid rules, but about care for the people you share a moment with. Here are a few simple rules, born in the tea salons of Europe, that make any gathering over a cup of tea more elegant and more pleasant.
1. The host pours the tea
Traditionally, the host serves the tea, first to the guests and only then to themselves. If you are a guest and the teapot is next to you, it is polite to offer some to your neighbour before pouring your own.
2. Hold the cup by the handle, without raising your little finger
Pinch the handle between your thumb and index finger, resting it on your middle finger. The raised little finger, which many people think “elegant”, is actually an affectation, not a rule of good manners.
3. The saucer stays on the table
At the table you lift only the cup. If you are standing or sitting away from the table, lift the cup together with its saucer, holding the saucer in your left hand at chest height.
4. The teaspoon makes no noise
Stir gently back and forth (from “12 o'clock” to “6 o'clock”) without touching the sides of the cup. Then place the spoon on the saucer behind the cup – never in the cup.
5. Milk and lemon never meet
Milk suits strong black teas and chai-style teas. Lemon suits lighter black teas and fruit teas. Milk and lemon are never added together: the milk would curdle. Green and white teas are best drunk plain, so they keep their delicate aroma.
6. Drink in small sips
Don't blow on the cup and don't slurp. If the tea is too hot, wait a few moments – it's a good chance for conversation.
7. Conversation is part of the ritual
Tea has always been an occasion to meet. Light topics, attentive listening and a phone put away are perhaps the most important rules of all.
If you are the host
- Prepare the teapot. Rinse it with hot water before adding the tea, so the infusion doesn't cool down.
- Serve the tea plain. Milk, lemon, sugar and honey go on the table separately, and each guest chooses what to add. Sugar cubes are taken with tongs, not fingers.
- Use a strainer or a paper filter, so no leaves end up in the cups.
- Don't fill the cup to the brim. About three-quarters is enough: the tea can be drunk without spilling and the cup can be topped up later.
- Look after every guest. If you see an empty cup, discreetly offer more tea. For those who avoid caffeine, have a fruit infusion or a rooibos ready too.
Small mistakes many people make
- Squeezing the tea bag with the spoon: it releases a bitter taste and doesn't look elegant. Loose-leaf tea solves the problem gracefully.
- Leaving the spoon in the cup while drinking.
- Dunking biscuits in tea at a formal occasion. At home, among friends, nobody will mind.
- Putting your phone on the table next to your cup.
Tea etiquette in other cultures
- Japan. At the tea ceremony, the guest turns the bowl before drinking, so as not to drink from its most beautiful side, which the host has turned towards them.
- China. When someone refills your cup, you can thank them by tapping the table lightly twice with your index and middle fingers. The gesture is linked to a legend about an emperor travelling incognito.
- Russia. Tea is drunk from the samovar, often from glasses set in metal holders, with jam or lemon, and is served for hours during conversation.
- Morocco. Green mint tea is poured from a height to create a froth, and guests are usually offered three glasses. Refusing them may be considered impolite.
- Britain. Afternoon tea has its own order, from sandwiches to sweets – you can read about it in Tea in the Victorian era.
Frequently asked questions
Does the spoon go on the saucer or on a napkin?
On the saucer, behind the cup or to its right, with the handle towards you. Never in the cup and never directly on the tablecloth.
Is it rude to refuse a second cup?
No. It's enough to say thank you and that you enjoyed the tea. In Europe, a cup left with a little tea at the bottom shows that you don't want more.
Does milk go in before or after the tea?
Both have their supporters. If you add milk after the tea, it's easier to judge how much you need according to how strong the infusion is.
Want to know more?
Liliana Nestor, an etiquette and protocol specialist and co-founder of the Sakura tea house and TeaLove, talks about etiquette, courtesy and good manners at gatherings at the Calea Victoriei Foundation and the Sakura tea house. See our Press & events page. And if you're preparing tea for friends, you'll find the right one in the TeaLove collection. Read also Contemporary etiquette: what do good manners mean today.